Tales of True Witchcraft
by StarvingLunatic
Summary: SwanQueen. Emma gives a drunken lecture on what Regina means to her, not knowing Regina is listening.


I don't own these characters; Disney/ABC does.

This story is based on a series of tweets from a couple of years ago. A guy was basically gushing over all the little things his girl did that amazed him and some things he did that amazed her. It was cute and for you to get an idea of how slow I am, I planned to write this when I saw the tweets and only just did it now.

This title was brought to you by my beta, Kylie. Thanks for all the help as usual.

Come say hi to me on Facebook, if you get a chance. There's a link on my profile.

Tales of True Witchcraft

Regina's brain was foggy and she blinked as a phone went off, pulling her from a peaceful, well-deserved rest. She groaned, snuggled deeper into her pillow, and tried to go back to sleep, but the noise would not allow it. _Why the hell is that phone going off? _She was ready to scold Emma for leaving her phone's ringer on. But, as she woke up a little more she realized it was her phone ringing. _Emma's not here and that's why it's my phone_. She let loose a louder, longer groan.

Emma was out with her friends and Regina always kept her ringer on in case something happened. There was almost a hundred percent chance of something happening when Emma was out drinking with her friends. She groaned and hoped like hell no one was stuck in a storm drain again. In fact, if someone was, she would leave them there. She just wanted to sleep. Was that too much to ask?

"Hello," Regina said without looking at the display. It was too bright for her single, barely open, burning eye. She pulled her blanket closer to her body, tucking it under her chin, as if that would keep bad news at bay. It felt so good. She could melt into the bed if only the world would let her. _This hero business is beyond a chore if I can't even catch my breath when it's said and done_.

"You might want to get down here. Emma is giving a lecture," Mulan reported. She did not sound too worried, so that was a plus. The lecture was probably PG then.

"Can't one of you just drive her home?" It was a tough week, defeating yet another villain with an army of mythological creatures. It was a herculean task to say the least. She felt like she earned a rest, just like Emma felt like she earned a drink. It was unfair of Emma to let her thing interfere with Regina's thing. _She's going to regret it if I have to get out of this bed_.

"No, they are too busy laughing and I still cannot drive."

Regina groaned. "You're usually more helpful than that, deputy."

"I apologize." Mulan always was too polite to be upset with. Most of the time, Regina was certain Mulan knew that and used it as a weapon.

"Don't. I'm sure it's Emma's fault, anyway. She was supposed to teach you to drive." Regina flung her covers from her body and managed to sit up. Rubbing her eyes with her free hand, she tried to focus on what she needed before she left the house. _Clothes, wallet, keys_. "I'll be down there soon. What's the lecture about, anyway?" Regina had been around an inebriated Emma enough to know she liked to give speeches with enough beer in her system. Serious liquor led to lectures on par with TED talks.

"How she wouldn't make it without you."

It would be sweet if it was not SO tragic. Regina could imagine how serious Emma was in her talk, but her audience looked at it as comedy. It did not help that most of the likely audience thought Emma was out of her mind being with Regina. Still, Regina was a little curious about what Emma was saying.

-8-8-8-8-

Regina walked into the _Rabbit Hole_ to the sound of Emma's voice. "I'm telling you guys, if Regina dumps me, I won't make it!"

Regina could only wonder what brought this on. Yes, she had saved Emma's life time and time again, but the reverse was true as well. Their last adventure together was rather normal in the sense that they acted as a team and did their best to keep each other safe. They had both been wounded, pushing the other out of the way, which was their usual. She did not see why Emma would be thinking about how she would not make it without Regina.

As Regina stepped in deeper, purposely not making a sound, not that it would matter in the crowded bar, she saw Emma standing on a table with an empty glass in her hand. She was surrounded by people who were not laughing at her. In fact, they seemed drawn in to whatever Emma was talking about. All eyes were on Emma and no one said a word as Emma put down her empty glass and picked up a full one. A light amber liquid with an ice cube settled in the glass and Emma took a sip before she addressed everyone.

"Did I tell you guys how Regina knows magic? I'm not talking about her RPG fireball technique either." Emma poorly mimicked how Regina conjured a fireball. "I'm talking serious, real witchcraft!" She stomped her foot and shook the table, rattling a couple of empty glasses. "She knows how to legit fold a fitted sheet. I didn't even know that was physically possible! Did you?" Emma pointed down into the crowd. There were murmurs, a few head shakes, and several furrowed brows. "Yeah, well, she knew! Without YouTube! How?"

Regina held in a laugh. It was not that hard and certainly was not witchcraft. But, from the way the crowd was with her, apparently it was up there with magic. Regina decided to hear what else she did that amazed Emma and everyone else.

"And that's not the end of her magic. You guys all know I grew up an orphan, right? That means I will eat damn near anything. I don't care how it tastes, but if I'm hungry, I will eat it. I thought oatmeal was the plainest crap on the planet. Again, I'll eat it, but I won't like it. Regina makes it so I like it!" There was another foot stomp. "First off, I thought there was like only one type of oatmeal. You make it, you put sugar in it, and you swallow it as quick as possible so it doesn't linger in your mouth. But, no! I was wrong!"

Regina held in a snicker. Emma was wrong about a lot of things, but to hear her admit she was wrong about something as simple as oatmeal was too much. Regina recalled the faces Emma used to make when she first put oatmeal in front of her. In an effort to get Emma to eat healthier, she often made breakfast, but she also wanted to make food Emma liked and savored rather than inhaled. So, she made oatmeal dozens of different ways to show Emma that most of the time it was not the food, but the way it was prepared that was the problem.

"And that's not the only crazy kitchen thing she can do. There's definite witchcraft afoot, man. So, you guys know how you can go to the store and buy salad dressing and simple crap like that? Regina makes her own. Do you hear me? She makes her own! And it's better than any crap you can get at the store! What the hell?" Emma's face twisted, like she was genuinely baffled.

The audience looked the same. They turned, glancing at each other. Some even mouthed "makes her own?" like that was impossible. There were a few sips from their drinks, but nothing more. They were riveted.

Emma held up her hand. "Speaking of salad, before her, a salad to me was cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, and maybe peppers or something. This woman can make like a million different salads and they're all good! She might even put spinach in it. I hate spinach, but she puts it in a salad and throws some of that homemade dressing on it and boy!" She made a fist. "I could eat the whole bowl!"

There were smiles and chuckles. A few people even looked at each other, likely confirming Emma's words. Emma looked down at everyone and nodded, encouraging them as they encouraged her.

"And don't even get me started on her cooking." Emma took a sip from her glass, as if she needed to wet her throat from talking too much. "If I can't eat homemade food at least four times a week new, just kill me. I'm telling you guys right now, if Regina bails on me, I won't make it!" Emma stomped her foot once more, shaking the table underneath her. Glasses rattled once again, but her audience ignored that, attention focused squarely on her. They even clapped.

Regina could not believe people were applauding that. It was her pleasure to cook first of all. It was practically a hobby at this point. So, it was not a big deal. Well, not to her anyway. To Emma, it was so good, it had to be magic.

"The food alone is crazy. I mean, I'd never eat the same without Regina. I'm pretty sure I'd go down hard. There's so much stuff, though. Tons of stuff," Emma said.

The audience waited, staring in anticipation. _What did I miss for them to hang on her every word like this? _Regina could not imagine. She did not see herself doing anything so huge for Emma that Emma could not be able to do it without her.

Emma took another, longer sip from her glass. "Don't get me wrong. I do stuff for Regina that she feels is magic, too. I'm worthless in the kitchen, but I'm pretty handy with tools and I'm awesome with cars. I can do a lot of stuff with cars in my sleep, like no problem."

Regina felt like Emma was rambling, but the audience did not seem to be with her on that. They went into their cups while Emma built her story. Regina waited with them to see where this was going. Maybe Emma had told stories earlier and approached them in this way.

"Regina had a flat tire, right? Now, she's already running late and she's having a fit that Michael still won't service her car, so she doesn't know what she's going to do. I'm thinking why doesn't she just use magic, but she explained she couldn't fix it with magic because she didn't know the motions or whatever. Like there's an actual spell to fix a flat and she doesn't know it. Maybe there is, but I doubt it." Emma shrugged.

Regina scowled. How dare Emma make light of her crisis? How dare Emma share her crisis with the world? How dare Emma interrupt her downtime with this nonsense? She was ready to storm the "stage," but stilled. Maybe it was not bad. The things Emma said before this were nice. This might be like that. She took a breath, remained in the shadows, and watched the show.

Emma scratched her cheek with one finger. "I think she was just upset and couldn't think straight. Anyway, she eventually poofed to work or whatever it's called. About fifteen minutes later, I texted her the tire was fixed. She called me, like she's pissed. Super pissed, not regular pissed. She's yelling about how dare Michael work on her car for me, but not her, even though she's saved his miserable life more times than she's ruined it, direct quote mind you." She paused and there were a couple of laughs.

Regina flexed, ready to knock Emma off her pedestal. She got out of bed to come get a woman who made fun of her to a crowd? _Oh, hell no! _But, then Emma started up again and Regina stayed her hand. She did not have it in her to embarrass Emma, despite Emma running her mouth.

"I finally calmed her down enough to explain he didn't fix it. I did. You'd have thought I said this shit in Chinese. She's like, 'what do you mean you fixed it? How?' She had to ask how like fifty times. She couldn't understand and thought I used magic. She wanted to know how the hell I knew the spell to fix a flat." Emma threw her hands up. "It's just a flat tire. I've had plenty in life and fixed 'em. She acted like I summoned Cthulhu or something. It was crazy."

Regina's scowl deepened as the audience chuckled. How was she supposed to know Emma could do things a trained mechanic could do? Emma did not have any certification to work on a car, never spoke of being trained in auto mechanics.

Emma smiled and her eyes were warm in a way that made Regina's heart melt. The expression always let her know Emma was thinking of her, remembering the good times, loving her, apparently even when she was not there. This might have been worth getting out of bed, even though she was worn out.

Emma swirled her drink in her glass. "She looked at me like I hung the moon once things settled. It was nice. It would've been enough, but Regina likes to let me know she appreciates what I do. She made my favorite cake as thanks and I was back to thinking she's a witch because it tasted so damn good. Now, whenever I do shit like that she always gives me something good as thanks. So, even if I can do shit, if she leaves me, I won't make it because I'll be expecting a reward!"

Regina held in a laugh as the audience snickered. Now that she calmed down and focused a little, she could see Emma was far from making fun of her or mocking her. Yes, she had been amazed that Emma fixed her tire without magic. Emma fixed little things around the house with her bare hands that sometimes Regina could not fix with magic.

Emma repaired holes in the wall when Zelena and Robyn practicing got out of hand. She also knew how to fix any electrical problems around the house. She could even handle plumbing issues as long as they were not too severe. Regina saw no problem with rewarding Emma, especially when she did things Regina did not ask her to do. She was on top of things, being useful around the house in her own way. Regina wanted her to know she was appreciated, sometimes through baked goods and sometimes in more sexual ways.

Emma shook her head. "But, never mind the easy crap I do. Let me go back to this woman because I can't even. You guys have seen her. I know we've all wondered what the hell a woman who looks like that is with a slob like me, right?"

The audience mumbled, like they did not know how to respond. Emma did not know how people envied Regina for being with her. Emma was clueless how many people asked Regina to her face what she had done to end up with Emma.

"Now, don't get me wrong." Emma held up a hand. "I know how to clean up and dress nice and do my makeup and crap like that, right? Maybe not the best because I didn't have female role models and crap, but anyway. It's not like she's painting my nails or fixing my lipstick or anything like that. No, it's way more than that. She showed me how to freaking exfoliate my skin, have my entire body just feeling luxurious." There was another stomp and she motioned around her torso with one hand. "I'm like how is this real life? How did I not know about this? How did she know about this? It's witchcraft, I tell you! Witchcraft!"

The audience clapped again. Regina could not believe they were enjoying this. She was a little flattered. Were these other drunken idiots amazed like Emma when their significant others did something simple? Well, Regina knew she might need to include herself in there considering the way she acted when Emma did "simple" things. She hoped everyone showed their significant others the same appreciation Emma showed her.

"And don't get me wrong, I tried some 'girly' things on my own. I know you guys all remember my 'princess' curls when I first got here, but I got that done at a salon and it was hell to maintain or so I thought. Turns out, some stuff I was just plain wrong on. I was putting all the wrong stuff in my hair according to Regina. My dumbass response to this was 'but it smells nice.' I seriously bought stuff for my hair and skin based on smell. This woman is looking at ingredients and what type of hair it works on. What type of hair?" Emma made a face.

Regina smiled as she recalled that talk. Emma thought she meant hair color at first. Then, Emma thought a little harder on it and thought it was more like straight hair and curly hair. Regina explained it was so much more. To this day, she still could not trust Emma to look at ingredients of hair or skin products.

Emma blew out a breath. "Guys, hair has freaking types and it's way beyond just what you see. Dudes, I always thought hair was hair! How does hair have a type? Do you see what I'm working with now?" She flipped hair, which had a nice healthy shine to it and some waves where her natural curls liked to come out. "It always feels so good now. I know exactly what to put in it thanks to her. Shit I never heard of until her! So, again, without her, I'm not gonna make it!"

"Can she do that with a beard?" an unseen man asked.

"I dunno, probably. She knows all kinds of witchcraft. Don't even get me started with the essential oil. I mean, I thought that mess was a hoax until I saw her using 'em. They do more than smell nice. She mixed some crap together, put it on my skin, and I think I'm using someone else's skin now, guys. It can't be my skin. It feels too good!"

Regina enjoyed teaching Emma about proper skin maintenance. There were days when she would not have been surprised if Emma moisturized with gun oil, but now she felt confident that Emma understood how important taking care of her skin was. It was good to know she was right.

"So much witchcraft. She also grows her own herbs to season food. First off, it didn't even occur to me that you could grow this shit. Yes, I knew people had herb gardens and crap, but I thought that was like having pet sea monkeys. They're not real monkeys and they're not real herbs. Look, I was a feral child, okay? I'm not an idiot on purpose." Emma wagged her finger at them.

The audience chuckled, but they had no idea how raw Emma was being with them. She referred to herself a "feral child" often. Regina did her best to make sure Emma understood her lack of knowledge was not a flaw, but maybe Emma needed something like this instead. She needed to vent to people who were on her level about certain things.

"So, spoil alert, guys, herb gardens are freaking real and let me tell you fresh from the garden beats store-bought's ass like it stole something! Same thing with any kind of food. I can't go back, guys. I can't. I thought I took good care of myself, but this woman. I made it twenty eight years on my own, but I'm convinced I wouldn't make twenty eight days on my own now. Maybe not even twenty eight minutes."

"It's just hair and skin care. It's not rocket science," a woman said with a scoff. Several heads turned to glare at her, including a few of Emma's friends, like Ruby and Mulan. They knew it was so much more than that to Emma. 

Emma held up her hand and shook her head. "No! It's more. It's seriously witchcraft." Emma looked up, as if searching for the words.

Regina began to understand what Emma meant and what the woman in the audience missed. It was not so much the things themselves. It was the feeling that came with them. The emotions. The idea that someone cared. She was not sure if a drunken Emma would be able to explain that, but she did a good job explaining the things that brought out the feeling.

Emma took a breath, gathered herself. "This woman used to get on my case about wearing my outside clothes and shoes on the bed. I didn't think anything of it, but then she pointed out that I'm dragging outside dirt onto the bed. This shit seriously never occurred to me. Same reason to take my shoes off at the front door, not to drag dirt though the house. No kidding! Anyway, I tried to be cool and pointed out it's okay to wear my outside clothes on the bed because she changes and washes the bedding every few days and she hit me with 'yes because it feels good to sleep on warm, clean sheets.' She's right! It's the best and it never occurred to me! Again, I'm a feral child, but this junk is so amazing. I can't even tell you when I used to change sheets before her," Emma said without shame.

"I only change them if I spill something on them!" a random man added and others nodded with him. Apparently Emma was not alone in the bedding issue. Regina hoped this lecture taught this man, and others, to change the sheets more often.

Emma pointed to the man. "I get you!" She pressed her hand to her chest. "See, Regina showed me that's not the best way, though. This woman has basically retaught me life. I didn't even understand the point of the dry cleaners until Regina! I used to just dump everything, including my jackets, in the washing machine. I'm talking my leather jackets!"

The audience winced. Regina had done the same when she saw Emma do such a thing. She taught Emma to read the tags on things and "when in doubt, wash in cold water."

Emma threw her hands up. "Yeah, did I mention I was a feral child? So, you understand why I can't make it on my own anymore. How am I supposed to go back? I didn't even know there was different types of hot cereal beyond oatmeal before this woman. I didn't know using honey was as good as sugar to sweeten stuff. I didn't know peanut butter could go on more than a sandwich. You guys don't know!"

Regina smiled as they clapped once more and decided to get Emma, so she could end an a high note. It would really spoil the mood if the next thing she said bombed like her other drunken lectures, especially since that woman tried to steal some of her thunder already. Regina moved out of the shadows, stepping as silently as her low heels would allow, through the crowd. She made it over to the table, easily her way to the front of Emma, and she held out her hand.

"Come along, dear," Regina said, doing an excellent job of sounding normal, like she had not just listened to Emma poor her heart out.

"Regina!" Emma grinned and the crowd actually cheered. While it had been years since Regina terrorized the masses and she saved the town regularly, including a few hours ago, she was still taken aback by their reaction to her. She doubted she would ever get used to people liking her. "I was just telling everybody how freaking awesome you are and how I'm certain you're a witch!"

Regina chuckled. "Well, I am a witch. I'm also here to take you home."

Emma beamed and turned her attention back to the crowd. "Do you see this? She even came to be my designated driver, even though she just wanted to go to bed earlier and we all know she deserved a good rest. Do you see this? Before her, I'd have to call a cab or walk my drunk ass home and hope I make it! How can I live without her?"

"We'll never here to find out. Now, come along, dearest." Regina ignored the cooing that erupted from the people and decided against throwing a fireball to shut them up. She put her hand out for Emma once more.

Emma grabbed her trend and gave it a squeeze. "I just love you so much." The amount of aw's made Regina nearly blush. She fought it down.

"I know. Now, let's get you home. You need water. I'll make the tea you like."

"Guys, tea!" Emma's eyes lit up. "Thanks to her I have a favorite freaking tea! And she doesn't do the tea bag stuff, no! It's the leaves, like she's British!"

Regina laughed as she gave Emma a light tug to get her down. It worked with Emma stepping down and almost crashing into Regina. She caught herself, but yanked Regina to her. Their bodies collided and Emma smiled down at her, eyes glazed over, but full of love and admiration. Regina gave her a stern look.

"Don't you dare," she warned Emma.

But, Emma was full of liquid courage and high off of the crowd adoring her as well as their earlier victory against a full-fledge army. So, she leaned down and kissed Regina on the lips. Regina was not into public displays with Emma. To her, a public display was a show of ownership and her relationship was not like that with Emma. Neither of them owned the other. There was a mutual love, trust, and respect between them. But, Regina knew this kiss was not about that.

This kiss was Emma celebrating their relationship and the "magic" they introduced each other to. Besides that, Regina could not embarrass Emma by stopping her in front of an audience that just cheered their relationship. So, she returned the kiss, mindful of the crowd in case Emma forgot about her adoring fans. The kiss was over within a matter of seconds. Of course more cheers followed.

"Come on, Casanova." Regina pulled Emma toward the door.

"To be continued! Appreciate your spouse, guys!" Emma blew them kisses before Regina finally got her outside.

Once they were out of the bar, it did not take much to get Emma into the car. There were the usual tipsy declarations of love that Regina had come to expect from an intoxicated Emma. Regina simply responded in kind and continued to hold her hand for the ride because Emma liked the connection.

"You are so good to me," Emma said with a lopsided grin.

"Well, you're good to me as well," Regina replied and brought Emma's hand to her lips. It never occurred to her how many little things Emma did that made her love her all the more until hearing how Emma felt about her little things. Emma was a godsend.

"Gotta fix the guest room door, though, to be really good." It was a chore Emma had put off for a few weeks, thinking it might keep Zelena from staying over. How wrong she was.

"It'll keep for a few more days," Regina replied. Emma nodded and smiled.

When they got home, Regina made Emma her favorite tea. She coaxed Emma into the shower, but it was brief, just making to wash the alcohol odor from Emma, and Regina helped her into her pajamas. Emma followed along, quite happily. She brushed her teeth without directing. Regina was not sure why impaired Emma still remembered to brush her teeth before bed, but not much else. They crawled into bed with Emma setting herself up as the big spoon and Regina waited. Emma had more conversation in her, as drinking did that to her. She would talk until she fell asleep mid sentence, which could be in minutes or an hour.

"I don't think I could make it without you," Emma said, nuzzling Regina's hair.

"Yes, I heard you tell a bar full of people those very words."

Emma gave her a squeeze around the waist. "But, I mean it. I don't think I could."

Regina turned to face Emma, needing to look her in the face. "You'd be fine without me, Emma. You're very resourceful and you practically raised yourself. You're a survivor, but you're gotten comfortable with little things I offer." She knew it was more than that, but it troubled her to have Emma think she would not be able to live without her. With the way their lives were, at any time Emma could be without her and Emma needed to know she could go on.

"NO!" Emma yanked her closer, pressing their bodies together and shifting them to where Regina was almost on top of her. Hazel eyes stared well beyond her gaze. "You don't get it. Yes, I love all of the little things you do. I appreciate the hell out of them and you, but this is more than that. When I say I can't live without you, it's just because of you. I love you and I know you love me because you try to civilize me and you domesticated me. I was feral my whole life and then you showed me how to live life in a comfortable, clean way. I just appreciate all of that and if I lost you at any point, I'd be in mourning forever. That's what I mean."

"Well, that's sweet, I suppose." Regina was flattered in a way. Little things she barely thought about doing meant so much to Emma. She meant so much to Emma. She personally mattered to so few people, so it was touching to know how much she mattered to Emma.

Emma moved again, settling them both on their sides. "No, you're sweet. This is just the truth. You've taught me so much about life."

"You've done the same for me. Remember when you showed me how to open the bedroom door with a credit card 'just in case'?" Regina smiled at the memory, even though she thought it had been absolutely ridiculous at the time. She had magic to do those sorts of things, but Emma had been very eager to pass along her skills that Regina listened patiently. It was good to know in case her magic was bound or unavailable to her for some other reason.

"And we had to change all the locks, you really didn't know how easy someone could break in here." A small smile overtook Emma's face as she shook her head.

With a smile, Regina caressed Emma's thigh. "No, I didn't, but luckily I had you to tell me. You've taught me a lot of things over the years, most importantly how to be a good person again and how to open my heart. It might actually be witchcraft. Maybe, I wouldn't be able to make it without you either." Yes, she could exist, but that might be it. This was beyond how they made each other feel and how they appreciated each other. Now, she understood what Emma meant. The person that she was now would not go on without Emma. If Emma left her for any reason, this person she was would go away as well.

Emma made a way noise and cuddled in closer. "It's okay because I'm not going anywhere. Hell, even if I did go somewhere, you'd come get me and bring my simple ass home."

"You're damn right." If she could go to Hell for Hook, she could go anywhere to get Emma, way past Camelot that was for damn sure.

"And that's why I won't make it without you. You do stuff like that."

"Well, you do things like that as well."

"I know. I can't be the only one bewitched in this relationship, after all."

Regina laughed and felt Emma collapse against her. Just like that, Emma was asleep. Regina turned over and placed a gentle kiss to her brow. Yes, Emma definitely had some witchcraft all her own and bewitched Regina. Regina would not have it any other way. So, no, she would not make it without Emma.

-8-8-8-8-

The End.

I hope you guys enjoyed the fluff. Thanks for reading as always. I'm going back to my padded cell. I hope you come back for the next story. If you like my work, please go check out my books on Amazon under the name S. L. Kassidy. Thanks again.


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